quick catch up

• Thought I’d let you know – I’ve started taking those ovulation tablets. Gave up on waiting for the period which is now 2 months overdue to come before starting to take them. I’ve been suffering headaches and PMT, but I’m sure it will all be worth it especially if I start bleeding in a week or so...

• Been a bit of a space cadet the past days. I get these times. My security levels ebb and flow faster than British weather changes. I can usually tell when I am have a spout of ‘oddness’ cos I become a lot more paranoid than usual. Today I thought someone had got down on the floor at the front of my desk at work, just so they could make me jump! Maybe it’s a latent fantasy I’ve got : you know, someone on their knees worshiping me at work - but alas the only person that was crouched down there was Mr Invisible, and I still felt my heart lurch when I sat back down. Some times sudden movements on my part and I imagine there’s a shadow there. Bizzarrio! I’m convinced I’m a tad psychic. I sense things that aren’t there, you know...really, I do - or at least these things aren’t seen by others. Hhmmmm, ok – maybe I’m just paranoid.

• I just spoke to my dad on the telephone. He sounds stressed and worried, but he says it’s nothing. I worry it’s his age. My step mama seems to be ‘much better’ now so that will help him feel more content. Routine is paramount to their happiness, and anything, even illness disturbing that is a strain for them. For a moment hearing my 79 year old daddy’s voice on the phone, I wished I could climb down the wire and give him a huge cuddle and make him a cuppa and feed him some cake. Sometimes he sounds old – and that bothers me - a lot. For all his faults, I adore him.

• The boy is away this weekend! Yaay! It’s gonna be so nice to have the weekend all to myself. I love not talking to anyone, and being alone at times. It’s been a strain at certain moments in my place of work listening to hear constant chit-chat even if it’s not directed at me. But when it is, of course I have to participate. Silence is something I cherish and like now as I’m writing this, I’m sitting in silence.

• I had a text from husband number 1 today. I couldn’t believe it. Very random but nice. He’s a really good guy with a very forgiving heart, clearly – otherwise he would never ever contact me again. I treated him shoddily and that guilt smacked me in the chops when I read his sweet message. He’s having a baby. I’m happy for him. He’ll make a brilliant father. He has all the attributes to be a loving and successful husband it seems; he’s been married over 4 years.

• My book is starting to take over many of my thoughts. I have had a development of late which I don’t want to mention, because I strongly believe that when I start blabbing about good things taht happen - they gets taken from me by a Greater Power, in a bid to keep me humble. I understand the value and importance of humility but sometimes when you want to let the world know that you got a going on ... well, I can’t, it’s not good for me. If I’m that fucking fantastic, it’ll all come out eventually...

• The boy and I have been getting on really well. We’re in love with each other and happy to be together again, for now, for today. He panicked last week and he told me yesterday that he thought i was going to leave him. Awww, he’s such a sweetie.

• I’m about to run a bath and wash my hair with some fancy grapefruit shampoo I bought from Selfridges. If I was less lazy I’d get up right this moment and go and check the brand name, so I can be very specific about my hair cleansing products, but like I’ve said before I am lazy, sorry. After my bath I will griddle tuna steaks and serve with salad ( and rice) for my guest, the lover. I’m sounding like a bit of an arse, aren’t I? ‘griddle tuna steak’ – Oooo, if only my Yorkshire friends, Mark in particular could hear me now – I’d be torn to shreds.

• Finally I ordered some ‘stuff’ online. Adult stuff, naughty stuff, play things...I shudda told you before. There I go again telling you after the event like I said some habits are harder than others to break.